I never wrote songs to please people. I write how I feel and what I feel and if people like it then yay and if they don't then I'm not heart broken becasue I wrote them for me anyway.
Well, as it so happens, my roomies like my music. So I'm selling my CD's for $4 to my roomies and hopefully the word will spread around Greenbrier and I can make some bank. That would be awesome =)
Anyway, I have only sold two, but I see big things happening with this.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Fighting a Storm
The best way to watch a storm is from within the comforts of your own home. That is, of course until you realize that your bff is out there alone. Then guilt floods in and you have to go get them. And since they decide to stay outside and fight the storm, you have no choice but to stay and fight with them. After all, they would have done the same for you. When the storm is over, it is likely that you both will conjure up some kind of illness that you either both die from or both eventually get over. In the unlikely case that only one of you dies, the other will sit at their bedside until the fatal moment arrives. And that is what true love and friendship is. Fighting a storm together.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Phobias
pho·bi·a
–noun
a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it.
Origin:
1780–90; extracted from nouns ending in -phobia
1780–90; extracted from nouns ending in -phobia
Synonyms:
aversion, hatred.
aversion, hatred.
I have an odd phobia of the number 6, formally called Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia. No joke. Anyway, I feel God has been playing around with my head. I live in apartment 16, attend the 66th ward, am in group 6 of my American Foundations class, am in slot 6 for our in-class teaching, and I have 6 classes. Sometimes I feel like looking up and saying "It's not funny".
In other news, my knee hurts like mad! For the past couple of days its been flaring up and I just want to cry. Also, I have been having strange hallucinations. The other night I could have sworn my ears had grown twice their size. Today, I saw the side of my Sentsy candle bubbling. I must be either super stressed or tired.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sleepless Nights
No sleep. I have class in two hours, my family and best friend are coming up, I have an audition tomorrow, and I'm running on no sleep. I don't know why I cant sleep lately. I have had no problems with it the past month or so but all of a sudden I've been going without sleep.
Maybe it's the scary dreams. Last night, I met Satan... again. She was a woman this time. She was torturing people and making them forget their lives. My roommate Kesley was hit the hardest. Satan was breaking her bones and scattering her brain without even touching her. She was all contorted and such. I won't get that image out of my head for a while. I saw people in a dim lit, institutional building. It was grey and black. I heard screams and moans. I was scared and frantic. It seemed like I was the only one who wasnt crazy. I held as tight as I could to God. I kneeled down to pray and I felt the beautiful warmth. Then I suddenly felt cold and empty. My heart was wrenched and my soul was aching. I heard the sounds of agony ringing in my head. All of Hell was released into my mind. I have never been so frightened in my life. I felt sharp pains in my side as Satan, who was standing behind me, shoved needles in me and sucked out blood til I passed out. I woke up in a white room. I saw her, not her face, but her legs. she was wearing a black skirt and panty hose. As I gained consiousness I realized that she was visible, but not tangable. She stroked my head but all I felt was shivers of cold bumps go down my spine. Oh, I hated this being. I cringed at her moaning voice. I began to whisper another prayer and I slowly felt His warmth again. And as the first time I felt the cold chills as she began screaming "HE DOESN'T EXISTS! STOP PRAYING! HE WONT HEAR YOU!" She stuck the needles in me again and began sucking the blood out of me and as I felt myself getting weaker, I also grew stronger. I got the needles laying on the floor and stuck them in her leg. I know it doens't make sence, but she began bleeding and screaming. (I took the oportunity to flee) It was the most skin crawling scream and her shrill shreaks echoed down the hall I was now running through.
I finally got outside to view and blood red moon and melting stars across the sky. the trees were ashen and the ground was bubbling. I staggered down to a kneel and once again uttered, "Dear Lord, give me strength" Inside my head the powerful voice proclaimed her presence. I could feeling myself falling under her control. Like the shatter of glass, the bones in my hands broke one by one. Consistant with the beats on my heart, I heard the snaps of my bones. I was in such agony. and as I was about to give up, I heard a voice as calm as an autumn breeze thunder in my head, "Save her." I had to go save kelsey. I mustered up all the strength I had left and ran back into the building.
The screaming had grown and the bodies were more mangled. they reached out for me with longing eyes and I was the terror in their faces. My heart crumbled inside me. I ran to every room on every floor and couldn't find Kelsey anywhere. My heart raced.
And then I woke up
Maybe it's the scary dreams. Last night, I met Satan... again. She was a woman this time. She was torturing people and making them forget their lives. My roommate Kesley was hit the hardest. Satan was breaking her bones and scattering her brain without even touching her. She was all contorted and such. I won't get that image out of my head for a while. I saw people in a dim lit, institutional building. It was grey and black. I heard screams and moans. I was scared and frantic. It seemed like I was the only one who wasnt crazy. I held as tight as I could to God. I kneeled down to pray and I felt the beautiful warmth. Then I suddenly felt cold and empty. My heart was wrenched and my soul was aching. I heard the sounds of agony ringing in my head. All of Hell was released into my mind. I have never been so frightened in my life. I felt sharp pains in my side as Satan, who was standing behind me, shoved needles in me and sucked out blood til I passed out. I woke up in a white room. I saw her, not her face, but her legs. she was wearing a black skirt and panty hose. As I gained consiousness I realized that she was visible, but not tangable. She stroked my head but all I felt was shivers of cold bumps go down my spine. Oh, I hated this being. I cringed at her moaning voice. I began to whisper another prayer and I slowly felt His warmth again. And as the first time I felt the cold chills as she began screaming "HE DOESN'T EXISTS! STOP PRAYING! HE WONT HEAR YOU!" She stuck the needles in me again and began sucking the blood out of me and as I felt myself getting weaker, I also grew stronger. I got the needles laying on the floor and stuck them in her leg. I know it doens't make sence, but she began bleeding and screaming. (I took the oportunity to flee) It was the most skin crawling scream and her shrill shreaks echoed down the hall I was now running through.
I finally got outside to view and blood red moon and melting stars across the sky. the trees were ashen and the ground was bubbling. I staggered down to a kneel and once again uttered, "Dear Lord, give me strength" Inside my head the powerful voice proclaimed her presence. I could feeling myself falling under her control. Like the shatter of glass, the bones in my hands broke one by one. Consistant with the beats on my heart, I heard the snaps of my bones. I was in such agony. and as I was about to give up, I heard a voice as calm as an autumn breeze thunder in my head, "Save her." I had to go save kelsey. I mustered up all the strength I had left and ran back into the building.
The screaming had grown and the bodies were more mangled. they reached out for me with longing eyes and I was the terror in their faces. My heart crumbled inside me. I ran to every room on every floor and couldn't find Kelsey anywhere. My heart raced.
And then I woke up
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Dreaming
If you know anything about me, you know that I'm a firm believer in personal revelation by dreams. For example, I was having a hard time deciding if I should ask Sebastian to the Prom. One night, I had a dream that I had asked him and he said yes, so I decided to go for it and he said yes and it was an amazing night.
The other night I had a dream that I was interviewing a giant bat and writing down everything he was saying. He had huge teeth, long ears, and wings that stretched father than my own arms can. I bet you are thinking, "Sammie, you arent going to be interviewing a large bat any time soon". While that may be, I looked up what a bat and writting signify and they both are bad omens. And wouldn't you guess it, two bad things happened the next day.
The point of telling you all of this is this next paragraph.
Last night, I had an amazing dream. I walking home from class and this guy came up and decided to walk me home. We were just walking and talking and then BOOM!!!! He kissed me. It was nice te he. So now this dream is throwing me off. I looked it up and it says that a kiss in a dream means a new love afair. I don't know.
The other night I had a dream that I was interviewing a giant bat and writing down everything he was saying. He had huge teeth, long ears, and wings that stretched father than my own arms can. I bet you are thinking, "Sammie, you arent going to be interviewing a large bat any time soon". While that may be, I looked up what a bat and writting signify and they both are bad omens. And wouldn't you guess it, two bad things happened the next day.
The point of telling you all of this is this next paragraph.
Last night, I had an amazing dream. I walking home from class and this guy came up and decided to walk me home. We were just walking and talking and then BOOM!!!! He kissed me. It was nice te he. So now this dream is throwing me off. I looked it up and it says that a kiss in a dream means a new love afair. I don't know.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Public Bathrooms
Public Bathrooms.
Have you ever noticed all the percautions they take to make sure that the bathroom stays sanitary? They have automatic everything now so that you don't get any of ur nasty germs on anything. Some places even have doors that open automatically (I get a little worried about that. It could be awkward). But one thing that they havent figured out is how to make two ply toilet paper and dispencers that arent so emotionally attatched to the toilet paper. It's like seriously?! I just want three sheets. Just Three!!!! But alas, we are forced to whipe with one sheet... and if we are lucky then two. This problem creates all sorts of awkward situations that I won't go into. And that is why I avoid public bathrooms at all costs.
Have you ever noticed all the percautions they take to make sure that the bathroom stays sanitary? They have automatic everything now so that you don't get any of ur nasty germs on anything. Some places even have doors that open automatically (I get a little worried about that. It could be awkward). But one thing that they havent figured out is how to make two ply toilet paper and dispencers that arent so emotionally attatched to the toilet paper. It's like seriously?! I just want three sheets. Just Three!!!! But alas, we are forced to whipe with one sheet... and if we are lucky then two. This problem creates all sorts of awkward situations that I won't go into. And that is why I avoid public bathrooms at all costs.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Statistics
Today in my math class, I learned that when I role a die, there is a 100% chance that I may or may not roll a 6.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Facebook and Rain
I love that people use Facebook to verify their lives. No one is blameless on this. We all do it. I especially love the people who say things along the lines of "OMG did you hear that so and so are in a relationship? It's on Facebook and everything!" like Facebook has the final say on what is factual.
It rained today. Took long enough. But the break from the sun was welcomed with open arms. There were three rainbows in the sky. It made me think of how in literature, three represents power. I took it as a sign that God needs me to be strong. That's how I interpreted it anyway.
It rained today. Took long enough. But the break from the sun was welcomed with open arms. There were three rainbows in the sky. It made me think of how in literature, three represents power. I took it as a sign that God needs me to be strong. That's how I interpreted it anyway.
Clouds
I knew from the moment I woke up that there was something strange going on.
I looked out the window and there were things in the sky.They are kind of grey and puffy. Aly was telling me about them. She said she had seen them on National Geographic. I think they are called clouds.
I looked out the window and there were things in the sky.They are kind of grey and puffy. Aly was telling me about them. She said she had seen them on National Geographic. I think they are called clouds.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Manifestations and Potlucks
There are ways that God manifests things to us. Today, he manifested to me that I had way more cuts on my legs than I realized when I was in the shower and the hot water ran over and burned my wounds. It was nearly too much to bear and I stepped out and sat on the toilet. It took all the courage I could muster to finish my shower. I turned the water to a cooler temperature and tried to forget the fact that my legs were throbbing.
Today, I went to a potluck in the Greenbier lodge. I had almost nothing to offer other than canned tuna and tomato soup. When I realized that I had tortillas and fake cheese, my hometown blood began to surge. I fried up some quesodillas. I had people ask me for the recipe. I was thinking, "Well, first you have to be poor and then be compelled to buy food that seems to have no correlation. The true magic happens when you get invited to a potluck and you are forced to throw something together." I told them that it was inspired by my hometown.
Today, I went to a potluck in the Greenbier lodge. I had almost nothing to offer other than canned tuna and tomato soup. When I realized that I had tortillas and fake cheese, my hometown blood began to surge. I fried up some quesodillas. I had people ask me for the recipe. I was thinking, "Well, first you have to be poor and then be compelled to buy food that seems to have no correlation. The true magic happens when you get invited to a potluck and you are forced to throw something together." I told them that it was inspired by my hometown.
I went to a Cave
Tonight, I was in a cave with the taste of glostix in my mouth and a cut on my thigh. How did I get there?
I had nothing to do tonight and I was bored. Tori asked me if I wanted to go with her to the ice caves and play hide and seek. I thought about it for a minute and then said of course I'd go because I have never been in a cave before. I immediately thought to bring my knife and flashlight. I had my knife but I had no idea where my flishlight was. I looked around everywhere and then I thought to ask Kelsey if she had seen it because I had remembered having it in her car when we had a bon fire. It sorta pissed me off that she was being so reluctant about it. The simple act of her neglagence would lead to a terrible disaster on my part. I hope she feels bad. We left our apartment by around 8 or so and walked to the other side of campus to another apartment complex. Outside the front of the compex there was a sign that said "Marriage Garunteed" and I rolled my eyes and thought about how completely and disgustingly Mormon that was. So I stole a 3 inch spire from the top of their fence. Tori and I were waiting to meet with Boux and his cousin who is Tori's animal handling class. Anyway we finally met up with them and some other people. There were like 7 of us in this little car. It took us about an hour to actually get out there and when we reached the road leading to the caves we got out and jumped into the back of a truck.
I counted 21 teens in the truck.
The ride in the truck was tedious since I was sitting on the edge and had to hold on for dear life if I had any chance of surviving. We finally reached the caves about 10 or so. I'm not really sure what time it was because Boux has this rule about locking up the phones while he is driving so all conversations are centered within the car. Which I guess is cool... Anyway we get there and we see this cave and its ominous and dark and there was about one flashlight to every 6 people. It was super dangerous with all the rocks and such but nontheless we entered the dark and scary cave.
It was a while after we had stumbling through the dark that anyone near me questioned about 1. how far into the cave we were going and 2. where the front of our group was. We all silently agreed to keep walking and just figure it out. At last it seemed as though we had finally reached our group, but then a strange thing started happening. They were getting feisty and yelling at us to shut our lights off. At first I was confused because they were telling us to stay by the wall. It felt as though we were entering an unfriendly area. I finally figured out that this was a totally different group whose game we were completely distroying by having just our menial amount of lights. There were harsh words said between the groups. A man from the enemy's side pointed out that by having our lights, it diminished glow of the glowstix. Then being the diplomat that I am, I quaintly spoke out "If you have charity, Jesus will bless you and your glowstix will endure. So shut up and just let us pass" It seemed to shut them up because no more words were said between the two groups. We passed peacefully on and just around the corner our group was hundled on top of a huge pile of boulders.
Making my way up the rocks was tricky. They were wet and steep, but by holding on to Tori's hand, I was able to get up the boulders successfully... untill....
the light had severely dimmed and I was feeling for a safe area to place my foot. It wasnt till after I had comitted to the step and felt my leg get wedged within the rocks that I realized that I only felt air. It was dark so not many people saw me fall, but the man who did was nice enough to help me up. His name was Joe. Joe walked me over to a safe place to sit and asked me if I was okay. I responded, "Well, there is a scratch on my leg the size of my face, I feel like I was punched in the stomache and the ovaries, and I hit my head.... but other than that I'm superb" Joe laughed and said that if ever I neeeded help or just wanted to quit the game I could just yell his name. So I practiced and he pretended to be impressed. I just sat there and let the crowd of 60 stumble around me. We were all handed glowsticks that were cut open and on the count of three we waved our arms out and spilt the insides all over ourselves. It was one of the most magical things I've ever seen. All the rocks glowed and we glowed. The roof of the cave glowed. I felt like I was in the middle of a moonless night. The magic died when some blonde chick flicked her glowstick right at my face and got it in my mouth and eyes. It hurt and tasted like Hitler's stache... just terrible. I didnt bother to really play the game. I just sat there and watched the rest of the glowing bodies blend in with the rocks and lay still. I was incredibly impressed with how well they blended.
After a couple rounds, the same chick who flicked me in the eye with her neon pink liquid was it. Wonderful. I was seated on my rock and not even pretending like I was at all interested in what was happening. She counted up to 60. She looked up and walked straight up to me. "This person is incredibly obvious. That's a stupid hidding place." I looked up at her and told her that I wasnt playing and that I hadnt been this whole time. She took it as though I were being a poor sport and I just didnt want to be "it". And after she got me sufficiently annoyed, she let it go.
By this time I was completely fed up with imminent death and I just wanted to take a step without the fear of loosing a limb. It was about 11.
The group of people we came with decided to go one more round. I took off my jacket so I was completely black and no one could see me and I started making my way back out of the cave. It was a long jurney, but finally I saw stars. Not neon pink green and yellow. But serious stars. I was so happy. I climbed into the back of the truck and we made the long trip home.
Some people say that these kinds of experiences are what college is all about. Adventure, action, and the threat of loosing your life to rocks... I think God put this experience in my life so that I could see what a great friend Tori could be. The entire time she was holding my hand and checking up on me. I feel really bad for bagging on her and thinking all these terrible things about her. She really is a great girl and I just hope she can always be this wonderful because the side I saw from her tonight was beautiful.
I had nothing to do tonight and I was bored. Tori asked me if I wanted to go with her to the ice caves and play hide and seek. I thought about it for a minute and then said of course I'd go because I have never been in a cave before. I immediately thought to bring my knife and flashlight. I had my knife but I had no idea where my flishlight was. I looked around everywhere and then I thought to ask Kelsey if she had seen it because I had remembered having it in her car when we had a bon fire. It sorta pissed me off that she was being so reluctant about it. The simple act of her neglagence would lead to a terrible disaster on my part. I hope she feels bad. We left our apartment by around 8 or so and walked to the other side of campus to another apartment complex. Outside the front of the compex there was a sign that said "Marriage Garunteed" and I rolled my eyes and thought about how completely and disgustingly Mormon that was. So I stole a 3 inch spire from the top of their fence. Tori and I were waiting to meet with Boux and his cousin who is Tori's animal handling class. Anyway we finally met up with them and some other people. There were like 7 of us in this little car. It took us about an hour to actually get out there and when we reached the road leading to the caves we got out and jumped into the back of a truck.
I counted 21 teens in the truck.
The ride in the truck was tedious since I was sitting on the edge and had to hold on for dear life if I had any chance of surviving. We finally reached the caves about 10 or so. I'm not really sure what time it was because Boux has this rule about locking up the phones while he is driving so all conversations are centered within the car. Which I guess is cool... Anyway we get there and we see this cave and its ominous and dark and there was about one flashlight to every 6 people. It was super dangerous with all the rocks and such but nontheless we entered the dark and scary cave.
It was a while after we had stumbling through the dark that anyone near me questioned about 1. how far into the cave we were going and 2. where the front of our group was. We all silently agreed to keep walking and just figure it out. At last it seemed as though we had finally reached our group, but then a strange thing started happening. They were getting feisty and yelling at us to shut our lights off. At first I was confused because they were telling us to stay by the wall. It felt as though we were entering an unfriendly area. I finally figured out that this was a totally different group whose game we were completely distroying by having just our menial amount of lights. There were harsh words said between the groups. A man from the enemy's side pointed out that by having our lights, it diminished glow of the glowstix. Then being the diplomat that I am, I quaintly spoke out "If you have charity, Jesus will bless you and your glowstix will endure. So shut up and just let us pass" It seemed to shut them up because no more words were said between the two groups. We passed peacefully on and just around the corner our group was hundled on top of a huge pile of boulders.
Making my way up the rocks was tricky. They were wet and steep, but by holding on to Tori's hand, I was able to get up the boulders successfully... untill....
the light had severely dimmed and I was feeling for a safe area to place my foot. It wasnt till after I had comitted to the step and felt my leg get wedged within the rocks that I realized that I only felt air. It was dark so not many people saw me fall, but the man who did was nice enough to help me up. His name was Joe. Joe walked me over to a safe place to sit and asked me if I was okay. I responded, "Well, there is a scratch on my leg the size of my face, I feel like I was punched in the stomache and the ovaries, and I hit my head.... but other than that I'm superb" Joe laughed and said that if ever I neeeded help or just wanted to quit the game I could just yell his name. So I practiced and he pretended to be impressed. I just sat there and let the crowd of 60 stumble around me. We were all handed glowsticks that were cut open and on the count of three we waved our arms out and spilt the insides all over ourselves. It was one of the most magical things I've ever seen. All the rocks glowed and we glowed. The roof of the cave glowed. I felt like I was in the middle of a moonless night. The magic died when some blonde chick flicked her glowstick right at my face and got it in my mouth and eyes. It hurt and tasted like Hitler's stache... just terrible. I didnt bother to really play the game. I just sat there and watched the rest of the glowing bodies blend in with the rocks and lay still. I was incredibly impressed with how well they blended.
After a couple rounds, the same chick who flicked me in the eye with her neon pink liquid was it. Wonderful. I was seated on my rock and not even pretending like I was at all interested in what was happening. She counted up to 60. She looked up and walked straight up to me. "This person is incredibly obvious. That's a stupid hidding place." I looked up at her and told her that I wasnt playing and that I hadnt been this whole time. She took it as though I were being a poor sport and I just didnt want to be "it". And after she got me sufficiently annoyed, she let it go.
By this time I was completely fed up with imminent death and I just wanted to take a step without the fear of loosing a limb. It was about 11.
The group of people we came with decided to go one more round. I took off my jacket so I was completely black and no one could see me and I started making my way back out of the cave. It was a long jurney, but finally I saw stars. Not neon pink green and yellow. But serious stars. I was so happy. I climbed into the back of the truck and we made the long trip home.
Some people say that these kinds of experiences are what college is all about. Adventure, action, and the threat of loosing your life to rocks... I think God put this experience in my life so that I could see what a great friend Tori could be. The entire time she was holding my hand and checking up on me. I feel really bad for bagging on her and thinking all these terrible things about her. She really is a great girl and I just hope she can always be this wonderful because the side I saw from her tonight was beautiful.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
General Conference
Today the first two sessions of the General Conference were broadcast. It was normal. Speakers, music, and prayers. I suppose i didnt listen to it with the right spirit or a soft heart because it didn't touch me like I was hoping it would. I feel that this is the closest I've been to God since I was 14, but I just didnt feel inspired. They were good talks, but I didn't feel that they particularly pertained to me. I must disfunctional.
Its funny how these college Mormons act around General conference time. It's like Christmas for them. They all organize potlucks and breakfasts, and sleepovers. It's pretty funny.
Its funny how these college Mormons act around General conference time. It's like Christmas for them. They all organize potlucks and breakfasts, and sleepovers. It's pretty funny.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Just a side Note
I just decided that Tori doesnt remind me of Amia at all. Amia is much more pleasant.
October
So its October. Its this part of the year that i miss the valley most... probably because this is the only time the valley is a pleasant place to be. I love the mornings when the air is crisp and my bed is nice and warm and I can here music and the sound of clanking dishes. I walk our to the kitchen to greet my mother baking an apple something or another and she says "BEAN! Good morning sleepy head. I thought it would be nice to let you sleep in. We do have a lot to do today so get some breakfast, get dressed, and come out ready to work." I miss that so much. I miss the saturdays when my dad is home and he too celebrates my awakening. He'd say "Beanie's awake!" and give me a huge hug. In the past I've only responded with a grunt and or a moan, but if it were this morning i would smile and hug them tight and tell how much I love them.
There is something magical about October.
Tori, my roomie, well she's insane, but things have gotten better. She's seeing a councilor and I talked to the bishop about how to handle her. I prayed really hard that Tori would feel the love that we have for her and my prayer was answered. One night we were sitting in my room and we were talking about who knows what and then there was a pause and I said, "Tori, I love you." And instead of a rebuttle which would be totally natural for her, she smiled and said that she loved me too. It was a beautiful moment.
Well, I really have to get going. I have homework due in an hour and I havent even started it.
There is something magical about October.
Tori, my roomie, well she's insane, but things have gotten better. She's seeing a councilor and I talked to the bishop about how to handle her. I prayed really hard that Tori would feel the love that we have for her and my prayer was answered. One night we were sitting in my room and we were talking about who knows what and then there was a pause and I said, "Tori, I love you." And instead of a rebuttle which would be totally natural for her, she smiled and said that she loved me too. It was a beautiful moment.
Well, I really have to get going. I have homework due in an hour and I havent even started it.
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